I hardly slept that night. Just for half-an-hour or maybe even an hour, but not really more than that. I was just lying on the bed, with my eyes opened. Sometimes standing up, and checking my mobile phones for new messages. Maybe she was just upset and would think it over again, during the night. She would send me a text message and say she was too confused and just did a terrible mistake. I was already preparing my answers, saying that it was not a big deal at all. That these things just happen. That we would talk it over, during the weekend, with the help of a bottle of wine, or two. That I would forgive her.

 

I would also wake up and walk around the flat, searching for answers to my “wh-“ questions. Looking through the window, I could see, in the soft lights of the street lanterns, a drunken man snaking his way through the street. One or two cars passed, but the street was empty. The houses were all asleep. I was awake. Sometimes, I would sit on the sofa and turn on the TV. Night programmes are definitely not interesting and I would turn the receiver off after going quickly through all the channels. I would go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. My throat was feeling like sand paper but drinking complete bottles of water would not help to keep it from getting dry. I realised that I hadn’t eaten for lunch and also skipped dinner. Yet, I did not feel hungry. My throat was swollen and it would have been hard to swallow anything. My chest was hurting, till under my stomach. The pain was at some points unbearable. Like a huge cramp. It felt like a heart attack combined with a stomach ache, liver cirrhoses and pneumonia.

 

I wanted to call Jane or text her. But she did not pick up my calls earlier and, at 3.00 am, she probably wouldn’t. She was always turning off her phone for the night anyway. But maybe, she was not sleeping at all, but sitting in a couch in her flat, just like me now. She might be thinking it over. Hmmm… maybe… well... I guess then it’s also not so good to bother her. That would influence her to take the wrong decision. I sent her already three messages today. I guess that is enough too. But maybe, leaving one now would be good. So she would see that I am not able to sleep and that her decision confused me and was probably hurting me. No… That is not a good thing to do either. I should not influence her. I should not try to make her take a decision by making her feel bad. That’s not good, that’s mean.

 

I guess the best is to wait. I will see things clearly by tomorrow. Let’s try to get some sleep. She is just confused, as she wrote in her message. I know, I read it an uncountable amount of times. So, she will get rid of her confusion soon and things will get back to normal. Yeah, it will! Okay… Let’s go back to bed and get some rest. The rest of the night, I went through cycles. Sometimes, I could feel things would get better soon, for sure. A few minutes later, I could feel that things would get worse. The pain would ease first and then come back again.