Jelly Heart

I woke up early this morning. Normally it would be a long ritual for me to wake up. The clock would ring, I would snooze it immediately and return to sleep. I would enjoy the warmth of my bed for another 15 minutes and perform the same operations again. After a second 15 minutes nap, I would curse the entire world, slowly move out the bed and put my feet on the ground. After stretching my entire body, I would finally stand up and make my way to bathroom. Today, I woke up well before the alarm started ringing. There was still one hour of sleep left and I wanted to close my eyes and let my body go. However, it did not work. I spent the time left, in bed, eyes wide open, my hands holding the back of my hand and staring at the ceiling.

For a second, I thought it was a bad dream. Quickly, the events of the day before came back. I remembered the message, which was still there in the inbox of my mobile phone, the long afternoon in the office, the commute home and the thinking. I was completely awake and went straight to the bathroom. A nice warm shower would be most beneficial to me at the moment. The stress during the night made me sweat a lot. My skin felt sticky. The water was flowing over my body, taking the soap down the drain. The thoughts and the pain, however, stayed with me.

Although I had enough time for a complete breakfast, I felt not like having and left my flat. On the way to work, I bought a Caffè Latte at the Starbucks near the underground station. On a normal day, I would go for a take-away coffee and quickly make my way through the flow of commuters, buzzing in the station. The barista, a Chinese student, who usually runs the morning shift, was surprised to see me so early. He checked the designer clock on the wall, to make sure he was not wrong. “You so early today, sir! Caffè Latte, as usual,” he asked. “Yes, I have an important meeting to day and want to be prepared”. I could not find a better excuse. After paying, I grabbed the cup, along with two bags of sweeteners and a stirring staff, and left the shop.

I was amazed to see the station so deserted. I also did not take me too long to go to the office. However, I felt very restless and every time the train slowed down for no reason, it was annoying me so much. Arrived at destination, I rushed out of the carriage, ignored the lady with that heavy suitcase and quickly climbed the stairs to the outside world. After a few yards, I entered the building where my office was located, took the lift, prayed not to meet any colleagues and took refuge in my office. “Maybe, she wrote me an e-mail,” I thought. That message would contain more and better explanations. Maybe, even, apologies for a hasty relationship break decision, and would contain lines begging me to forgive her and take her back. However, the e-mail box was empty of any personal message. Not even my Mom wrote to me!

I hardly slept that night. Just for half-an-hour or maybe even an hour, but not really more than that. I was just lying on the bed, with my eyes opened. Sometimes standing up, and checking my mobile phones for new messages. Maybe she was just upset and would think it over again, during the night. She would send me a text message and say she was too confused and just did a terrible mistake. I was already preparing my answers, saying that it was not a big deal at all. That these things just happen. That we would talk it over, during the weekend, with the help of a bottle of wine, or two. That I would forgive her.

I would also wake up and walk around the flat, searching for answers to my “wh-“ questions. Looking through the window, I could see, in the soft lights of the street lanterns, a drunken man snaking his way through the street. One or two cars passed, but the street was empty. The houses were all asleep. I was awake. Sometimes, I would sit on the sofa and turn on the TV. Night programmes are definitely not interesting and I would turn the receiver off after going quickly through all the channels. I would go to the kitchen and drink a glass of water. My throat was feeling like sand paper but drinking complete bottles of water would not help to keep it from getting dry. I realised that I hadn’t eaten for lunch and also skipped dinner. Yet, I did not feel hungry. My throat was swollen and it would have been hard to swallow anything. My chest was hurting, till under my stomach. The pain was at some points unbearable. Like a huge cramp. It felt like a heart attack combined with a stomach ache, liver cirrhoses and pneumonia.

I wanted to call Jane or text her. But she did not pick up my calls earlier and, at 3.00 am, she probably wouldn’t. She was always turning off her phone for the night anyway. But maybe, she was not sleeping at all, but sitting in a couch in her flat, just like me now. She might be thinking it over. Hmmm… maybe… well... I guess then it’s also not so good to bother her. That would influence her to take the wrong decision. I sent her already three messages today. I guess that is enough too. But maybe, leaving one now would be good. So she would see that I am not able to sleep and that her decision confused me and was probably hurting me. No… That is not a good thing to do either. I should not influence her. I should not try to make her take a decision by making her feel bad. That’s not good, that’s mean.

I guess the best is to wait. I will see things clearly by tomorrow. Let’s try to get some sleep. She is just confused, as she wrote in her message. I know, I read it an uncountable amount of times. So, she will get rid of her confusion soon and things will get back to normal. Yeah, it will! Okay… Let’s go back to bed and get some rest. The rest of the night, I went through cycles. Sometimes, I could feel things would get better soon, for sure. A few minutes later, I could feel that things would get worse. The pain would ease first and then come back again.

Don’t ask me how I went through the rest of the day. Don’t ask me how I went home either. Don’t ask me who I met, how many phone calls I received, which documents I signed or which payments I approved that day. Don’t ask me, because I would not be able to tell. I was in complete shock, not really realising the extent of the situation. I felt sorry, later on, that I promised things to my colleagues or business partners, or that I took business decisions, involving dozens of personnel and thousands of pounds, without really having a rational and analytical mindset.

I had plans for this evening. Going to the gym first and after a nice workout, prepare a Caesar salad and comfortably sit in the couch and watch a rental DVD that recently came out. From the office, I headed home. I erred a bit around on the way. I tried my best to clear my mind by some shopping attempts. But, the trousers and shirts did not fit, the Amy Macdonald CD I wanted to buy a week ago was really nothing good and I could not choose the bottle of wine I would bring to Susan’s birthday. I finally made it home and directly couched myself in front on the telly. The screen was showing floods in a country somewhere in the world, destructions of war in another one and results of political elections in a third country. All of this was very far away at the moment. The newsreader could announce the end of the World for tomorrow, I would not care much. Mine already collapsed today.

I spent hours trying to solve the puzzle of “why’s”, “how’s”, “what if’s” and “maybe if’s”, still nothing clear came to my mind. A phone call shook me out of my apathetic state and I realised that it was already very late. Night had fallen over the city and I have been sitting in a dark room for a couple of hours already. I turned on the lights in the room and picked-up the phone. It was my friend Neil, he was asking why he did not see me at the gym today and if I was still okay for a good male pub ride tomorrow evening with the usual mates. I told him I was sorry that I worked too hard today and was too late for the gym. The appointment tomorrow would also have to wait. There were some issues at work that I had to solve, and it would probably be late overtime tomorrow. I completely understood that I wanted to clear the matter before the weekend, so I could enjoy a nice weekend with Jane. Ouch… that hurt! I forgot about my troubles for a second, and my good friend Neil just plunged me into it again.

After hanging up, I turned off the light again and walked to the bedroom. I removed my jacket and my shoes and lay down on the bed. The double bed suddenly felt too big and so empty. I turned and started staring at the wall. I could feel the warmth of a teardrop rolling down my cheek.

As usual, my mobile phone was laying somewhere. As usual, I did not hear it ring or vibrate when the calls came in. As usual, I overheard many missed calls. As usual, many text messages were waiting to be read. Three of these were from the phone provider, telling me about missed calls. The last one was from my sweetheart. She has been calling me frenetically within the last 30 minutes. Must be important, as she knew I had meetings all day. Probably it is related to the upcoming birthday party of our friend Susan. She might be still confused about the birthday present she planned to buy. I told her already that these earrings would be lovely. Or maybe, it is about her travel arrangements. I know there have been problems recently for the flights between Manchester and London. Or maybe it was related to her work. She just joined that company in Manchester and is still spending time ramping up into her new role. Larger company, more clients and more responsibilities have been giving her a lot of troubles in the past weeks. This long weekend will surely be a great way to relax. Susan’s birthday will be fun, but I also planned some nice quality time when she will be over.

As I read her message, a sharp electrical shock streamed through my entire body. It was the least I expected today. The text message was very short and apparently hastily written. It said:

“Sorry. Got confused.Moving,
new job. I am not sure about
us anymore. I really need a
break. Will not stay home for
w/end & Susan’s b/day.
Sorry. Pls. Sorry”

I read the message over and over, trying to understand the meaning, the reasons, the timing. Everything was so strange and unusual. It was the least I expected today. Why? Why now? Why, so suddenly? Why us? We were doing great, despite all the confusion around her new job and the distance separating us. Why not wait the weekend, to discuss all this? What is wrong with her? What is going on? I am trying to call her but just get her voice mail. I do not feel like leaving a message. Just a “I call you back later, candy bar”.

I stay long minutes sitting at my desk, looking in front of me and trying to understand. I do not even notice the ray of sun falling into the room and playing with the water in the aquarium. It is early summer outside but a strong winter blizzard is blowing through my entire body.